Coming through

Just to update on my bout with PPD or Baby Blues... After having a bad weekend and feeling strange and unhappy, not nearly as anxious though. I started calling around 8 am Monday morning trying to either get my PCP to just give me a prescription for Zoloft, since I was just in or move my appointment with Nurse Midwife up some how. There ended up being a cancellation and I was able to get into the Nurse Midwife the next day. Well on Monday I was feeling a little better, went in Tuesday morning, explained, cried, talked... got prescription for Zoloft. Then talked things out with Jon and decided to wait it out a few days since I kept steadily feeling a little better. Well it's Saturday now and I didn't start the Zoloft. I'm feeling pretty okay. The anxiety still comes and goes. I still can't drink coffee or read the news... or apparently watch Wall-e with the kids (because of depressing end of world story line). I'm feeling much more hopeful about life in general, I'm doing things around the house, I'm mostly enjoying my children. I have emotions- besides bursting into sobs or being flat. I'm eating again and enjoying food. I actually miss coffee. I think now what I'm having is more of an existential crisis. I'm worried about the world in general. I'm worried about our economy, peak oil, the kid's future.... I've turned into Jon! I hope my old optimisic self will come back soon. Right now though I don't feel psychotic at all and it's hard to tell really if what I feel isn't just plain old sleep deprivation.
Most importantly I love my baby girl and I no longer look at her and feel nothing but dread and regret. Sure, having three kids was probably not the best idea we've ever made. It has made things much more complicated and I will be sleep deprived for several more months or possible years... I keep trying to envision or family in the future and I don't see us all living in this two bedroom bungalow... but this is all normal stuff and it doesn't plague my mind every second of the day... ahhhhh....

Mira- unfortunately she caught a cold and cough from Margo. She has been coughing in her sleep at night and every time she does I wake up and turn on our glowing blue ball to make sure she hasn't vommited all over herself. So far, she only coughs so hard that she vomits during the day. I think she threw up the entire contents of her stomach two or three times a day for the past few days, luckily she is a healthy 10lbs 5 oz and has some to spare. I took her into the doctor on Friday and he listened to her lungs and checked her out and determined it was just a cold. Hopefully this will end soon. It's so unfair that a three week old has a cough. It's the worst thing in the world to watch her coughing and see how miserable she is in her little face.

We all went for a walk together today up to Proctor. Checked out some houses on the way. There's a blue one for sale by owner but they want too much for it and Jon checked it out and they got in too deep and won't sell for less because of what they owe on it, unless it goes into foreclosure. It's pretty sad to be looking at houses right now because there are a lot of stories like this. Of course Jon reminds me that these people bought this house for zero down and got in way over their heads... but it's still sad. Margo and I went over to the coffee shop just the two of us- we had a little girl date :)

I'm so glad to be feeling better and enjoying my family. Of course I'm still overwhelmed but in a normal way- not a totally hopeless kind of a way.