Postpartum Depression

Okay, so I should be enjoying my beautiful new baby girl and instead every day is a struggle. A struggle inside my head. I can't believe I got hit with PPD this time around!
It started out like this... baby born- tired but happy and then right around day 4 or 5- blammo! Thoughts in my head spinning out of control, horrible anxious feeling in my body, hot flashes, feeling "strange"- not myself. Waking up and not able to fall back asleep when baby is sleeping, thoughts spinning out of control again. Feeling like a sponge- just sucking in all that is terrible and wrong with the world and feeling everyone's emotions. Overwhelmed, constant struggle to keep thoughts reeled in and not get sucked down to a terrible anxious place. During the day anxious, unable to relax and enjoy anything, nothing taste good, eating is a chore. Feeling totally overwhelmed by simple and not so simple things. Crying- calling people- trying to talk to people as much as possible to get out of my own head. Night time panic attack. Sitting in the dark, thoughts swirling, feeling like an emotional sponge again. After a couple of hours of sitting alone, freaking out in my own head I wake Jon up and start freaking out and crying, heart racing, feel like I'm sinking, can't lie down flat- have to prop myself up. We talk, I cry- I hold on to him. Finally I settle down some and pass out sitting up.
Next day, still feeling awful, anxious- can't live with this terrible anxiety. Go to see my midwife, start crying, "what's wrong with me?", "what is happening to my body?". It feels like my hormones are just dropping out of my body. It feels like my mind and body are betraying me at a time when I need them most.
Sleep better that night, still have a period of insomnia but get up, breath, do thought redirection, yoga.... don't freak out.
Nights getting better, anxiety getting better but still depressed. Not feeling happy about baby, dreading baby. Constantly thinking baby was a really bad idea, a huge mistake.
Trying to get out every day, get exercise, talk to people. Now having better days and bad days- better moments and worse moments.
Hoping I can ride this out and things will level off... constantly wondering if I need medication. Hate not feeling like myself. Hate not being happy about my beautiful little girl. Scared that I will be depressed forever. Also strange and new to me is the constant feeling of chlosterphobia and how my mood will improve with the sun. I literally can not go to the upstairs of my house for very long- it's an attic play room with bad light and low ceilings... I can not watch t.v. because I'm afraid something I see is going to give me anxiety but also the basement room without a window is too uncomfortable.
I'm afraid to drink coffee, I have no taste for wine or chocolate. Strange.

Good things:

I don't have PPD nearly as bad as some people (although I'm fairly certain I do have it and not just Baby Blues).

I feel like I understand thought disorders, anxiety and depression in a way I never did before.

I have more empathy for people with mood and anxiety disorders.

I feel more open- in a bad way (the sponge) but mostly in a good way. People are amazing, friends are amazing. Even people I hardly know have been amazing. I feel very lucky to know so many wonderful people. Woman are amazingly strong- I'm so thankful for all the strong women I know. I'm thankful for my family- for Troy who is able to be here and be such a support to me. For Jon whom I love even more now than ever- if that is possible.



So where I'm at now: Mira is a two and half weeks old- the depression has gotten much better from the initial 3/4 day weirdness but seems to have settled in this sort of weird mild depression. The most concerning thing to me is my attachment to her. Don't get me wrong I love her very much, I do feel attached. I look at her and I think she's beautiful. I take care of her, I respond to her but I also feel relieved to put her down and have her sleep. I feel relieved to go for a walk without her, to be away from her for a little while. I never felt this way with the other two.
I want to be myself again, I want to feel happy and hopeful. I use to enjoy being a parent, I use to have fun. It makes me so sad that I seem to have (hopefully temporarily) lost myself.